Blah blah blah!!! Sometimes Martin is such a pest!

Martin! If a day goes by without me contacting him, he starts sending me lots of messages. I do like to keep him hanging on so deiced to just ignore him for a while. I do feel sorry for the people at Barnsley College who keep getting phone calls from a Nigerian Man asking for Grey Being!



From Martin.



Dear Grey,
I will be expecting good news from you.


Regards,
Martin



From me.


Dear Martin

I am awaiting our lawyers preparing the necessary documentation to send to enable Mr Peter Mark to act as power of attorney and sign the necessary documents on our behalf.

I realise this whole process is taking sometime but it is out of my hands I am afraid. Hopefully this way we will ensure that everything goes smoothly and there are no hitches in the process.

I shall contact you asap once I hear back from my lawyers.  And remember, patience is a virtue Martin!

Regards

Grey. 


From Martin.

 
Dear Grey Being,
Yes i do understand, Government have their way of doing things.Nothing good comes easy. The whole issue must pass through due process.


I do understand that it need patience.


God will help us.


Regards,
Martin


And another.

 
Dear Grey Being,


I have been calling the number you send to me, and a lady kept telling me that he do not know the person i am talking about.
Send me your personal cell phone so that i will call you.


Again, have you hear from their lawyer. Update me.
Regards,
Martin


And another.


 
Dear Grey Being,


Today is a new day and a new week. It is very important we conclude this transaction this week.Update me.
Regards,
Martin


And yet another!


Dear Grey Being,


I am confused, what is happening?
Update me.
Regards,
Martin


And one last one.


 
Dear Grey Being,


Any problem? Update me Please.
Martin

Introducing Mr Peter Mark and Infinity Chambers.

So, I have decided that I cannot travel to Nigeria to sign the documents and Mary Okoro of The NDDC wants me to contact Infinity Chambers so they can assign me a lawyer. On putting 'Infinity Chambers' into Google, the first result is an anti-scam website so if any of you were in any doubt that this was a scam, there is more proof.

From Mary Okoro of The NDDC



Dear Sir,

Thank you for your mail. The man who is presently in Asia demands for your mobil number as he wants to speak with you.

Regarding the lawyer's contact, they have said I should send the following details to you:

Mr. Mark Peter (SAN)
Senior Partner
Infinity Chambers Ltd
26 New World Rd, Lagos Nigeria
Email: info@infinitychambersltd.com

Please kindly contact him and find out his itenary. Do contact him immediately and ask him his charges. Possibly mobilise him with payment to enable him commence the procedures.

Regards,

Mrs. Mary Okoro
Secretary


So, I contact Infinity Chambers.



 
Dear Sir

I have been asked to contact you about signing the contract between ourselves - They Are Amongst Us and The NDDC for the tender to supply good for their project.

I would be grateful if you could send me details of your fees and availability by return mail.

Yours sincerely

Grey Being 



And Peter Mark replies.


 
Dear Sir/Madam,

LETTER OF INTRODUCTION

Thank you for your mail. I am a Solicitors and Advocate residents in Lagos, Nigeria. I have been briefed on the urgency your company require in signing some Contract documents at the Ministry Of Justice head quarter in Abuja.

It is my pleasure to inform you that the above assignment is within my scope and it is usually based on local remunerations. To carry out this assignment satisfactorily, I have to go to the High Court to swear the necessary affidavits that will empower me to be your legal representative in signing the documents. Again, I need a power of Attorney duly written and signed in your company headed paper authorizing me to sign all documents relating to your contract.

At the High Court where the necessary affidavits will be sworn, the following fees will be paid before authenticating the Affidavits:

Oath Fee = US$ 700.00
Stamp Duty = US$1400.00
Legalization = US$850.00

Above all, our professional fee to carry out this noble assignment for you is the sum of US$600.00.

Total fees required =US$3600.00.(or the equivalent in GBP).

On hearing from you, we shall commence preliminary arrangement prior to the signing of the documents.

I assure you of a maximum satisfaction of my professional services which include making sure that the terms of the agreement are fulfilled and on time.

Anticipating your good cooperation and understanding.

Yours faithfully,
Peter Mark (SAN) 
Principal Partner
Infinity Chambers Ltd

More documents and a Nigerian lawyer.

With various contracts and documents received from The NDDC, emails come back and forth between us all. Mary Okoro sent me yet another document for me to check and send back.


Dear Sir,

This is the draft copy of the contract agreement made between your company and this organisation. This draft contract is subject to errors of different kinds. kindly and carefully go through the attached draft agreement and raise objection against any section of it that is not suitable to your company for immediate consideration for amendments.

Please reply as soon as possible with your comments, otherwise we will assume you have accepted all the terms. You should confirm this mail immediately by a return mail.

Mrs. Mary Okoro
Board Secretary
www.nddc.gov.ng
Info@nddc.gov.ng
+2348191941731, +2348029954970 



 And here is the document. Note the terrible handwriting obviously done in a paint programme!

I duly reply.




Dear Mrs Mary Okoro

This mail is to confirm receipt of the draft contract. Our lawyers have checked and agreed this is suitable. There are no immediate amendments or errors. We therefore accept all terms and wish to proceed with the tender contract.

Yours sincerely

Grey Being
  


Mary now wants to know which option I choose, coming to Nigeria and signing the documents myself or assigning a Nigerian Lawyer to do it for me.


 
Dear Sir,

We are sending this attached letter for the signing of the original contract between your company and the NDDC. Kindly do go through the letter and let us know which option.

Your urgent reply and phone call to this important message will be highly appreciated.

Mrs. Mary Okoro
Board Secretary
www.nddc.gov.ng
Info@nddc.gov.ng
+2348191941731, +2348029954970



 Obviously I choose a Nigerian lawyer.

 
Dear Mary Okoro

I have checked the document with my lawyer and wish to assign a Nigerian Attorney at Law to sign the contract on my behalf as it is not possible for me to travel to Nigeria at this moment in time.

Please inform me of the name of said person and their relevant qualifications etc.

I look forward to your response on this matter.

Yours sincerely

Grey Being

They Are Amongst Us





 

I won!! I won!!! I won the tender! Now there's a surprise.

What a surprise! The NDDC have awarded me the tender to supply my products for their project. What on earth they will do with sveral thousand Primark bracelets and glass pepper grinders is anyone's guess!!  I received an email from Mrs Mary Okoro with four documents attached. The'documents' are never proper documents, just jpeg images! Anyway, it's mine, all mine!!! £920, 000 contract!!

Attention: The President.

Sir/Madam,

We have awarded the contract to your company after considering so many factors. Kindly go through the contract award confirmation documents attached and get back to us with a return mail a compulsory call to the Head, procurement Unit with the number +2348029954970.

Accept our heart felt congratulations.

Mrs. Mary Okoro

Board Secretary

www.nddc.gov.ng

Info@nddc.gov.ng

+2348191941731, +2348029954970

More documents.

I received another email from the NDDC with yet another document attached. This one was Form A2 that I was requested to comeplete and return. I notice that the box next to 'Tender Fee Paid' has been checked. What a surprise!

Attention: The President.

Sir,

Following a mandate that we have to complete this tender within a given time frame,you are required to fill the attached Tender Verification Form A2 and return back to us immediately. The form is very important for our work in this bid. Confirm by email to the Secretary if you receive the attached Form and by phone call to the Head of Procurement Unit(+2348029954970).

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mary Okoro

Board Secretary

 +2348029954970

Say a little prayer.

I have had a very busy weekend so not had a chance to update this blog. There's quite a bit to catch up on too. I had received the document from the NDDC and was awaiting a response. Martin had a meeting to attend with them so I waited to hear the outcome. There was a bit of mutual emailing going on between me and Martin but nothing too interesting. He does however, want me to pray!!

From Martin: 

Dear Grey Being,

Did you hear from them? Update me.

Regards,

Martin


From Me:

Dear Martin

Since we last were in touch I have not heard from NDDC. How did your meeting go yesterday? I hope it was fruitful.

I shall update you as soon as I hear from them but they did say it would take about a week.

Regards

Grey

 

From Martin:

Dear Grey Being,

Yes, it was fruitful, but i did not meet their Chairman,on seat, the secretary told me the same that it will take some days as there are a lot of companies waiting to get approval of their proforma invoice.

It need prayer as it is not an easy work,but i am positive. Do update me if you hear from them.

N/B

Do not wait until one week before you contact them, what you have to do is to be contacting them from time to time so that your file will fresh in their mind while i will also play my part.

Regards,

Martin

The real reason for the current heat wave.

So, I had received the document from The NDDC. It wasn't long before Martin got back in touch wanting to know if I had heard from them.

Dear Grey Being,

How are you today with your workforce? When i submitted your file to the NDDC yesterday, they promised to send your batch number to you. Do confirm to me if you have receive a letter from them with your batch number.

Please respond immediately so that i will visit them today.  The person who is helping me to facilitate this contract have an appointment with me today, but i cannot go they without hearing from you.

Update me.

Regards,

Martin

Then shortly after, I get this one. I bet someone at Barnsley College had a good giggle!

Dear Grey Being,

I have called your office and the lady told me that she knows nobody by the name Grey Being. What is the problem?

Regards,

Martin

I ignore the what he says about the phone call and give him my explanation for the heat wave we are now in the midst of.

Good morning Martin

I was just about to email you when your message came through. Spooky eh? lol!

All is good here in Roswell today. We are currently in the middle of a searing heat wave with record high temperatures and the workers aren’t happy. The air conditioning unit in the factory base has broken down and conditions are unbearable. To try and appease the workers, I have arranged for a local ice cream van to come and visit them at lunchtime and dish out vast amounts of Nobbly Bobbly's, Fabs, Feasts and good old 99's. This should help the situation somewhat and I have said they can all leave early at 2pm. It's so important to keep the workforce happy don't you agree Martin? After all, who would make the Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalators if not them?

I know a lot of people will say that this change in weather is all down to climate change and the greenhouse effect as they call it, but I am not so sure. Between me and you Martin, I think it has an altogether different reason. The temperatures on Voniaco 5 are much higher than here and I do think High Lord Rezillo is making the necessary changes to ensure things are comfortable after the conquest. It's alright for him but he is not the one sweating like a diabetic in a sweet factory.

Anyway, back to business. I received some documentation this morning sent by a Mary Okoro from The NDDC.  I have emailed back to conform receipt and await her response. She did say it would take around a week for the final decision to be made. Of course, I will let you know as soon as I hear from them. Do you need me to send you the batch number you mentioned?

Regards

Grey.

 

So Martin, you want me to carry you along? In this heat? I don't think so!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your mail, when i called your office a lady told me that nobody bear such name, so i became confused, but that is by the way. I am very happy that you have confirm receipt of their mail.  As soon as you hear from them, do carry me along.

God bless you.

Regards,

Martin

Waiting for the NDDC

So, I am now just waiting for the NDDC to send me the contract to sign. Really??!!! He is saying his commission is paid once I receive the payment for the goods into my account. I wonder how this is going to work as obviously, there is no paperwork to sign and no one is going to pay me any money for something that isn't real. I wonder how long it will be before he needs some funds upfront for documents etc?

Dear Grey Being,

Thank you very much, i just called your line a lady picked the phone and i told her that i will call back just before i received your mail.

I have submitted it to them, please as soon as you hear from them, do update me.

On my commission, i would like to receive it through bank to bank transfer so i will send my bank details to you as soon as you confirm payment into your account.

On when the contract will be executed, i am not in position to give you any dateline, it is the duty of the end buyer {NDDC} to do that, but based on my idea, it will not be long, once all the contract documents are been send to you for your confirmation and signing , it will not take long.

Do update me.

Regards,

Martin

I ask him to confirm the NDDC will send me documents directly. I bet this soon changes.

Hi Martin

Thanks for the update. So, I take it that NDDC will contact me directly?  I shall await the documents to sign and let you know as soon as I have heard from the NDDC.

Many thanks

Grey

A bit of carrot dangling.

Oh Martin! Your grasp of the English language really isn't that good is it? What a shoddy email.

Dear Grey Being,

I was at the office of NDDC this morning, i meet their secretary she asked me to tell you send the full name of your company and address and your full telephone number.

Please i was told that they will only contact you after receiving these  details. Send them to me today so that i will send it to immediately.

Martin

Just so he doesn't start to get rashy about talking on the phone again, I dangle the commission carrot.

Good morning Martin.

I hope this message finds you and your family well.

I am glad you have heard from the NDDC. The full company name and address was on the header of the invoice I sent you but just for your own records here it is again;

They Are Amongst Us

27 - 37 New Galactic Crescent

Roswell

Barnsley

B1R S 0LE

Telephone:  01226 216216  / 01226 216217

I hate to be pushy, but do you have a rough time scale as to when the deal may be finalised? I am keen to close the deal ASAP as I am under considerable pressure from High Lord Rezillo.

Also Martin, I need details of where to send your commission payment to. You have worked so hard on my behalf that I want to ensure that you get your payment as soon as possible. I take it you have worked out the final amount you are due? Do you wish this to be sent via bank transfer? If so, I will need your details.

Once again, many thanks for all your hard work and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Best wishes

Grey

 

What a nice polite man Martin is.

Martin is being very polite now, a big change from his earlier temperament. He even sends his regards to Old Mrs Genders! He wants me to contact him when the NDDC get in touch. Yeah, like that's going to happen!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your mail and your kind understanding. I am very surprise to hear that you called my line and somebody picked the phone,i can't believe it, even my wife do not touch my phone, my secretary cannot do that, so i am confused what must have taking place.

Have  the number again, +234-8097068645, the number is the same, so try again, i have also tried to call your line but i am still having the same problem.

My regards to your staff on her send off party.

As soon as you hear from them {NDDC} do update me.

Regards,

Martin

Invoices, sparrows and crabsticks.

So, at last he has submitted my invoice to NDDC. Wooopeee dooo!!!And he still thinks I will call him. Fool!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks i have submitted your Proforma Invoice to them this morning our time. I will be expecting your call as you promised.

Regards,

Martin

Oh Martin, do you really think I am that silly? Do you really think I would waste my money calling you? Time for some more stalling tactics.

Good afternoon Martin

Many thanks for submitting my invoice to NDDC. I really do wish to thank you so very much for all your hard work in helping me gain this contract. Martin, you have obviously worked tirelessly to ensure that everything goes smoothly and I am eternally grateful. Your professionalism and attention to detail shine through at every stage. By the end of this deal, you will certainly have earned your commission and it will be a delight, nay a privilege for me to pay it to you. I shall also make sure that High Lord Rezillo gives you his eternal thanks in person when the time comes for the conquest.

Martin, I have tried to call you several times already today but to no avail. I tried at 9am (our time) but it just went to an answering service. I did not leave a message as I realised that due to our obvious time differences, you were probably asleep and I didn't want to wake you from your blissful, guilt free slumber. I tried again at midday but it was answered by a lady. I asked to speak to you in case it was your secretary but she said she had never heard of you. Guessing I had dialled a wrong number, I tried again. On my third attempt, a man answered and asked if I was Blue Sparrow. I asked him to repeat himself and he then asked if I had done the job as requested. I wasn't quite sure what he meant so I said no. He then started shouting at me, saying if I did not fulfil the contract then I would be the one wearing the concrete boots and swimming with the fishes. This worried me Martin as I cannot swim and am highly allergic to fish. Even the mere sniff of a crabstick is enough to bring me out in hives and leave me gasping for breath. In a panic, I hung up.

I have no idea what was going on there. I double checked the number you had given me, +234-8097068645 and it was the correct one. Do you have any idea what that was all about? Had you left your phone unattended at all Martin? You really should be careful as someone could end up running up a huge bill.

Our technical department checked our phone lines yesterday but could find no problem. We don't seem to be having much luck do we Martin?

Anyway, I am leaving the office early today. It's old Mrs Genders’ retirement party. She's been with us since the start and we want to give her a good send off. High Lord Rezillo is due to 'take' her straight after the strippers have finished. She can't get enough of those roly poly builder boys the old fox!!

Hopefully we will get to speak tomorrow Martin. I hope you get to the bottom of what is going off with your phone. That really is most disconcerting.

Once again, many thanks for all your hard work and fingers crossed the NDDC look upon my invoice favourably.

Fond regards

Grey

Wrong numbers and probing.

Martin says he will submit my invoice to the NDDC now.  I doubt NDDC actually know anything about this deal.

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your understanding and well come. Yes i will submit it to them asap. and will update you soon.

Regards,

(He couldn't even be bothered to put his name!)

So, Martin has tried to call me but the numbers aren't working. Poor Martin. He wants me to call him on his cell phone. Yeah right!!!! Feel free to call him on my behalf but I am not running up a massive international phone bill!

Dear Grey Being,

I have tried to call you but the number you send to me is not going.

You can reach me on my cell phone:

+234-8097068645

Martin

So I reply. and apologise. Of course I won't be calling him. There will be some problem or other.

Dear Martin

I cannot understand why the phone numbers are not working. We have been receiving calls today with no problems. Are you sure you have dialled correctly? I shall get a member of our technical department to investigate.

I shall call you on your cell phone tomorrow. I am extremely keen for this deal to go through. It is imperative to the success of the conquest. High Lord Rezillo will not be pleased if I fail. Believe me, I cannot bear another probing.

Until tomorrow

Regards

Grey

 

Preparing for the invasion and some odd phonecalls to Barnsley College (my apologies!!)

Martin is keen! This message came first thing this morning. I hope he finally submits my invoice to the NDDC.

Dear Grey Being,

How are was your trip, hope you had a nice time. Do get back to me if you are back to your office as you said that you will be back today 15th to enable me submit your proforma invoice to them.{NDDC}

Again, it is very important you send your working telephone number for easy communication.

Regards,

Martin


I emailed him back and included telephone numbers. Many apologies to Barnsley College if they receive a strange call from an African scammer!!

Hey Martin!

I am indeed back in the office after an amazing week with High Lord Rezillo. I cannot say too much but as his chief envoy here, let's just say that things are going to change, and soon! I am extremely excited for the forthcoming conquest and am helping further his plans for a smooth invasion. It's all terribly exciting!

Anyway, I do apologise for omitting my telephone number. How very remiss of me. I can be contacted on either of the following numbers:

01226 216216

01226 216217

I do hope there will now be no delay in submitting the invoice to the NDDC. With High Lord Rezillo's plans coming to fruition sooner than expected, I would wish the deal to be completed ASAP. The quicker it is completed, the better for all of us I am sure you will agree. The more products we have around the world, the better.  All praise the High Lord Rezillo. We will comply.

I look forward to your speedy response on this matter.

Regards

Grey Being

He will submit the invoice - messages from Martin.

Martin received the invoice and will submit it to the NDDC next week! Woo hoo!!!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your kind understanding. I will submit it to them next week during working hours.

God bless you and have a nice trip.

Regards,

Martin

Or maybe not ..........................

Dear Grey Being,

I think it is better i wait until you come back from your trip before i submit your proforma invoice to them. Again you did not send your telephone number, it is very important you send your number for easy communication.

Regards,

Martin

 

Proforma Invoice - message from Mr Eze

I have been away for a few days so it's now time for a catch up. Martin sent me this before we went away. Originally he had asked me to  post the invoice directly to the NDDC but now he will pass it on to me. how very kind of him!

Dear Grey Being,

Send it to me, it is my duty as your agent to submit your proforma invoice to them as we are working with due process and part of the due process is that your agent will present your pi to them in person.

All you have to do is to address  the pi to them. I will take it to their office.

Regards,

Martin

I have to admit to having to look up what a proforma invoice was as I had no idea. I made a really rubbish one and sent it with this message;

Dear Martin

Please find attached a proforma invoice for the required products. Please pass it to the relevant people at the NDDC.

As mentioned previously, I am away on annual leave from now so will be unavailable for contact until Monday 15th July.

Once again, I must thank you for all your hard work in securing this deal and hope it pays dividends for us both.

Regards

Grey

This is the rather rubbish invoice I sent him! Note the address!!

 

 

 They Are Amongst Us

27 – 37 New Galactic Crescent

Roswell

Barnsley

B1R S 0 LE

Proforma Invoice   06 July 2013

BUYER'S DETAILS:

Direct of Projects
Project Monitoring and Implementation
Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC)
167 Aba Road, Port-Harcourt
Rivers State-Nigeria

Item	Quantity	Unit Price	Tax	Total amount
Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator	1000 x 8	£70000	X	£560000
Spiral of Zumanthaza	1000 x 8	£45000	X	£360000
			X	£920000

THIS IS NOT A TAX INVOICE