Necessary but a bit boring update.

I haven't updated this blog for a while and so much has happened. The last update saw the NDDC send me the four documents, awarding me the contract. Now Martin got all rashy, pestering me to update him and generally being bossy about what I should do next. I do love to ignore him!!!


From Martin

Dear Grey Being,,


I am very happy to hear from you confirming that you received the award documents. That is to show you my sincerity and seriousness.


I am very happy. Please do contact them and demand the next step and update me.


Regards,
Martin


And again.....


Dear Grey Being,


Information reaching me from the office of the NDDC states that they have sent a draft contract to you. Please this is to show that God is on our side.


It is very important you contact them as soon as possible to avoid delay. Do this and update me.


Regards,
Martin


 And again .......





Dear Grey Being,


I hope that you are not out of your office.. Please do confirm to me as i was told that you have receive a draft contract, this is not the time to delay, we need to work hand in hand.

Do get back to me.

Regards,
Martin


I finally decide to reply.

 
Good afternoon Martin

I must send my most sincere apologies for the delay in contacting you. I sent the draft contract away for our lawyers to check over and there are no issues with it at all you will be pleased to hear. Unfortunately, we had a major crash of our entire computer network which brought utter chaos to the company. We got the very best technical staff in to remedy the problem and they have worked tirelessly for the last 24 hours to fix the situation. It turns out, one of the cleaners had unplugged the main network server to plug her hoover in and forgot to plug it back in again afterwards! Hasten to add, she has now been dismissed.


So Martin, everything seems above board and complete with the draft contract. I shall contact the NDDC forthwith and apologise for the delay. I shall of course update you as soon as I hear anything in response.

May the High Lord Rezillo look favourably on us all.

Regards

Grey.




And from Martin.

 
Dear Grey Being,


Thanks for your kind update.  Please it is very important you ask your lawyer to sign the contract and return to them. Please this will enable me give them close marking as we are getting closer to finalize the contract.


So contact them and do update me.


Regards,
Martin
 

What a nice polite man Martin is.

Martin is being very polite now, a big change from his earlier temperament. He even sends his regards to Old Mrs Genders! He wants me to contact him when the NDDC get in touch. Yeah, like that's going to happen!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your mail and your kind understanding. I am very surprise to hear that you called my line and somebody picked the phone,i can't believe it, even my wife do not touch my phone, my secretary cannot do that, so i am confused what must have taking place.

Have  the number again, +234-8097068645, the number is the same, so try again, i have also tried to call your line but i am still having the same problem.

My regards to your staff on her send off party.

As soon as you hear from them {NDDC} do update me.

Regards,

Martin

Wrong numbers and probing.

Martin says he will submit my invoice to the NDDC now.  I doubt NDDC actually know anything about this deal.

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your understanding and well come. Yes i will submit it to them asap. and will update you soon.

Regards,

(He couldn't even be bothered to put his name!)

So, Martin has tried to call me but the numbers aren't working. Poor Martin. He wants me to call him on his cell phone. Yeah right!!!! Feel free to call him on my behalf but I am not running up a massive international phone bill!

Dear Grey Being,

I have tried to call you but the number you send to me is not going.

You can reach me on my cell phone:

+234-8097068645

Martin

So I reply. and apologise. Of course I won't be calling him. There will be some problem or other.

Dear Martin

I cannot understand why the phone numbers are not working. We have been receiving calls today with no problems. Are you sure you have dialled correctly? I shall get a member of our technical department to investigate.

I shall call you on your cell phone tomorrow. I am extremely keen for this deal to go through. It is imperative to the success of the conquest. High Lord Rezillo will not be pleased if I fail. Believe me, I cannot bear another probing.

Until tomorrow

Regards

Grey

 

Preparing for the invasion and some odd phonecalls to Barnsley College (my apologies!!)

Martin is keen! This message came first thing this morning. I hope he finally submits my invoice to the NDDC.

Dear Grey Being,

How are was your trip, hope you had a nice time. Do get back to me if you are back to your office as you said that you will be back today 15th to enable me submit your proforma invoice to them.{NDDC}

Again, it is very important you send your working telephone number for easy communication.

Regards,

Martin


I emailed him back and included telephone numbers. Many apologies to Barnsley College if they receive a strange call from an African scammer!!

Hey Martin!

I am indeed back in the office after an amazing week with High Lord Rezillo. I cannot say too much but as his chief envoy here, let's just say that things are going to change, and soon! I am extremely excited for the forthcoming conquest and am helping further his plans for a smooth invasion. It's all terribly exciting!

Anyway, I do apologise for omitting my telephone number. How very remiss of me. I can be contacted on either of the following numbers:

01226 216216

01226 216217

I do hope there will now be no delay in submitting the invoice to the NDDC. With High Lord Rezillo's plans coming to fruition sooner than expected, I would wish the deal to be completed ASAP. The quicker it is completed, the better for all of us I am sure you will agree. The more products we have around the world, the better.  All praise the High Lord Rezillo. We will comply.

I look forward to your speedy response on this matter.

Regards

Grey Being

He's a man!!!! - A reply from Martin to Grey.

Yes MARTIN! I know you are a man, you keep telling me!! Just hurry up and seal the deal. I can't wait forever!!

 

 

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your mail.This is to bring to your notice that men stand on their word, and i am a man,i am ready to work with you, but you like to deal directly with the NDDC with another agent, i have no problem with that.

If you are ready,i am also ready. Do get back to me so that i  will send your price list to them for evaluation.

Regards,

MARTIN

She likes a real man - A message from Helvetica

Helvetica has been reading the emails between Martin and Grey and she's come over all unnecessary!! Let's see if he is interested in getting to know her better.


Good morning Martin

I would like to apologise for the recent emails that my boss Grey Being has sent you. I am sorry he asked you to apologise to me and I apologise if you found him to be rude. He is very overprotective of me and quite frankly, I find it annoying. I am just his secretary but I sometimes think he sees me as more than that.

The thing is Martin,  I am not interested in him in that way. I am a young lady and he is an old man. His life revolves around his business and furthering the cause of the High Lord Rezillo. I want more from life than that. I want excitement and to be in the arms of a man who loves me for me, not just because I can type 200wpm and understand the complexities of intergalactic furtherance.

Martin, having read your emails, you seem to be an intelligent and honest man. I loved the way you stood your ground with Grey. You are right! You are a man, a real man and I love that. I need a man who is strong and powerful in his personality. One who could look after me and love me. I am sorry if I am being rather forward Martin but I feel a real connection to you and would love to get to know you better. I promise not to speak a word of this to Grey. Let this be our little secret!!


I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Fond wishes

Helvetica x x

PS would you like me to send you a photo of myself? x

A quick reminder - A message to Martin.

I think Martin needs a little reminder of who will be paying his commission  if this deal goes through. I am sure the NDDC would love to know what he gets up to.


Good morning Martin.

I am not sure I care for the tone of your last email. It will serve you well to remember that if this deal goes through, I will be the one paying your commission.

Whilst any kind of deal is important for our company, I prefer to do business with people who are decent, respectful human beings (or other planetary souls). If you continue to address me in such a disrespectful manner, I shall have no option but to contact the NDDC directly and insist on continuing this deal with a different agent. I am sure that we would both prefer this deal to continue as it has started.

So Martin, when am I likely to hear about a time scale for this deal? I am keen to move this forward asap.

Regards

Grey.

He is a man!!! - A reply from Martin.

Oooohhh!!! He's getting all touchy and dominant!! I think Helvetica might want to email him again ;)



Dear Grey Being,

You must be careful with your word,i am a man not a woman, if your secretary is controlling you go ahead and never ask me to apologize to her again

If you are interest go ahead get back to me or you back out

Apologise, or else! - A message from Grey

I decide to tell Marty to apologise in person or I may call the deal off. Let's see what he has to say about that!


Dear Marty

I have to insist that you send Helvetica a personal email to apologise. It's no good expecting me to be the one who does your dirty work for you. Man up and say sorry! It's not too much to ask if you want this deal to go ahead.

Grey

A half hearted apology - A reply from Martin.

After taking him to task about his lack of manners to poor Helvetica, this is the best he can do? Tut tut! We shall see about that.

Dear Grey Being,

I am happy reading your mail,you say sorry to your secretary on my behalf as i did not put please and thanks, i will correct the mistake.

Anyway, i have send your price list to the NDDC for evaluation. It may also interest you to know that i have no power to tell you the actual quantity needed.

I am an agent as i told you before living on my commission.

So as soon as i hear from them, i will update you to enable us move forward.  Again, it may interest you to know that this contract will last for one year if your company win this contract after bidding.

I will keep you update.

My regards to your secretary and tell her that i will always put please and thanks.

Thanks.

Martin Eze

A price list and a word of caution - A reply from Mr Grey Being (Gravy)

I had to take Marty, as I have now decided to call him to task over his lack of manners towards poor Helvetica. He has to apologise to her. If he doesn't, then I may well call our deal off. As well as the price list, which if you read it, kind of overcharges him for super bulk purchases, I have included a stark warning about the use use of the Hook of Hangarthain via the lyrics of an Adam and the Ants song, Never trust a man with egg on his face!  Adam Ant  


 
Dear Marty

I hope you don't mind me calling you Marty. I like to do business with people I feel comfortable with. You can call me Gravy! It's what my close friends call me. Some of them even call me Bisto as a bit of a joke lol!! Anyway, back to business.

I see you got the mail from my secretary Helvetica. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without her. She attends to my every need, sending emails, writing letters and other needs of a more personal nature if you get my meaning ;) Every high flying businessman needs a little personal relief now and then (nudge nudge wink wink) Do you have a secretary or personal assistant Marty?

Helvetica was a little upset when she read your email as you never said please or thank you to her. She is a sensitive soul and easily offended by bad manners. Maybe you could send her a quick email to apologise for your lack of manners? I am sure she would appreciate it.

Right, down to business. You didn't state what quantities you would wish to purchase the items in so I have come up with some rough estimates for you.

Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator

Single unit cost £75

Bulk purchase of 100 units £650

Super bulk purchase of 1000 units £700000

Spiral of Zumanthaza

Single unit price £47.99

Bulk purchase of 100 units £400

Super bulk purchase 100 units £450000

Were you interested in any of the other products? I can heartily recommend the Hook of Hangarthian. I must stress that this should be used with caution, as the following court report proves. This was a real event that happened just 4 months ago.

A man and a woman walking down the street

With a son and a daughter, it was, oh, so sweet

When Mummy turned to Daddy and she said

"My dear, write out your will, the end is near"
Then she pulled out the gun I saw the sparks

Messed up the suit that he'd bought from Marks Because
She'd heard the voices from outer space

She'd heard the voices from outer space

She'd heard the voices from outer space

Saying, "Never trust a man with egg on his face"
Three months later Mrs. B stands

A smile on her face, blood on her hands

The kiddies got scared and have run to bed
The headlines in the papers said that

She was the victim of an awful plan

Announced through the mouthpiece of a little green man
She'd heard the voices from outer space saying

"Never trust a man with egg on his face"
La La

So, please use with extreme caution.

Well Marty, I am very excited about this potential deal and hope we can come to a satisfactory conclusion soon. Roughly how long does it take for the panel to decide if the deal will go through for me to supply the products?

I look forward to your polite and speedy response on this matter and please don't forget to apologise to poor Helvetica.

Best wishes

Grey (Gravy Baby!!)