He will submit the invoice - messages from Martin.

Martin received the invoice and will submit it to the NDDC next week! Woo hoo!!!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your kind understanding. I will submit it to them next week during working hours.

God bless you and have a nice trip.

Regards,

Martin

Or maybe not ..........................

Dear Grey Being,

I think it is better i wait until you come back from your trip before i submit your proforma invoice to them. Again you did not send your telephone number, it is very important you send your number for easy communication.

Regards,

Martin

 

Proforma Invoice - message from Mr Eze

I have been away for a few days so it's now time for a catch up. Martin sent me this before we went away. Originally he had asked me to  post the invoice directly to the NDDC but now he will pass it on to me. how very kind of him!

Dear Grey Being,

Send it to me, it is my duty as your agent to submit your proforma invoice to them as we are working with due process and part of the due process is that your agent will present your pi to them in person.

All you have to do is to address  the pi to them. I will take it to their office.

Regards,

Martin

I have to admit to having to look up what a proforma invoice was as I had no idea. I made a really rubbish one and sent it with this message;

Dear Martin

Please find attached a proforma invoice for the required products. Please pass it to the relevant people at the NDDC.

As mentioned previously, I am away on annual leave from now so will be unavailable for contact until Monday 15th July.

Once again, I must thank you for all your hard work in securing this deal and hope it pays dividends for us both.

Regards

Grey

This is the rather rubbish invoice I sent him! Note the address!!

 

 

 They Are Amongst Us

27 – 37 New Galactic Crescent

Roswell

Barnsley

B1R S 0 LE

Proforma Invoice   06 July 2013

BUYER'S DETAILS:

Direct of Projects
Project Monitoring and Implementation
Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC)
167 Aba Road, Port-Harcourt
Rivers State-Nigeria

Item	Quantity	Unit Price	Tax	Total amount
Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator	1000 x 8	£70000	X	£560000
Spiral of Zumanthaza	1000 x 8	£45000	X	£360000
			X	£920000

THIS IS NOT A TAX INVOICE

He needs his invoice!

As usual, because I didn't reply straight away, Martin emails me again. I reply saying I will be away on annual leave next week with High Lord Rezillo. I wonder how well that will go down?


Dear Grey Being,

Did you received the mail i sent to you yesterday with the details from the head office of the NDDC.

It is very important you get back to me with your proforma invoice.

Regards,

Martin

And a reply from me .......

Good morning Martin

I apologise for the delay in responding. I was out at meetings until late yesterday. It is brilliant news about the contract and I would wish to commend your hard work on my behalf.

Could you just clarify, as well as sending a copy of my proforma invoice to the NDDC at the address you supplied, do you wish me to send you one via email? I also wish to inform you that from Monday I shall be on annual leave for the following week 8th July returning on 15th July. I realise this is bad timing for the contract but the week away has been booked for a long while and the High Lord Rezillo will be arriving to take me early Monday morning.  He will be most interested and excited to know his plan on this planet are coming to fruition and may wish to thank you in person at some time in the near future.

Many thanks Martin for all your hard work in this matter.

Fond regards

Grey

I won the contract!!! A message from Martin

So, it appears that I have won the contract! Yippee!! I have to send my proforma invoice  immediately. I shall of course 'send' one to them. It's amazing how things often get lost in international post though.

 

 

Dear Grey Being,

How are you today with your workforce, hope all is well. After our meeting with the NDDC Contract  Awarding Committee yesterday that lasted for five hours, other contractors, suppliers and agent in attendance, i was given the below details/order to send to you as your agent to enable you prepare your proforma invoice immediately.

ITEMS NEEDED                                                                QUANTITY NEEDED

Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator

Super bulk purchase                                                           1000 units x 8        

Spiral of Zumanthaza                                                          1000 units x 8                                                                                                

BUYER'S DETAILS:

Direct of Projects
Project Monitoring and Implementation
Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC)
167 Aba Road, Port-Harcourt
Rivers State-Nigeria

Prepare your Proforma invoice with the above details. Address it to their address above and send  it to me as your agent, so that i will submit it to them to enable you open final discussion with them.

It is very important you send it as soon as possible.

Send me your cell phone ,we need to speak to each other very important

God bless you.

Regards,

Martin Eze

A quick update.

After Martin's bad attitude, I decided I needed to just play along nicely for a while. A few boring messages later .....................


Dear Martin

Hopefully it is time to move this deal on a stage further. I am a man of my word and wish this deal to continue. Please send my price list to NDDC for evaluation asap. I await your speedy response.

Regards

Grey.




No response. Has he changed his mind or sussed me out? I sent another email.



Dear Martin

I am not meaning to be impatient but is there any news from the NDDC about the contract to supply goods? Have they seen my pricelist yet?

I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Regards

Grey.



At last, a reply.


Dear Grey Being,

Yes i have submitted your price list to them. I was told to come back tomorrow to find out if there are through with your price.

I will update you tomorrow.

Regards,

Martin

He wants to talk to Helvetica!

So, Martin has taken the bait! Why do they always want to talk on the phone though? Maybe I need to buy a cheap mobile and sim for this?


Dear Helvetica,

Call me or send your personal cell phone for me to call you.

Regards,

Martin

She likes a real man - A message from Helvetica

Helvetica has been reading the emails between Martin and Grey and she's come over all unnecessary!! Let's see if he is interested in getting to know her better.


Good morning Martin

I would like to apologise for the recent emails that my boss Grey Being has sent you. I am sorry he asked you to apologise to me and I apologise if you found him to be rude. He is very overprotective of me and quite frankly, I find it annoying. I am just his secretary but I sometimes think he sees me as more than that.

The thing is Martin,  I am not interested in him in that way. I am a young lady and he is an old man. His life revolves around his business and furthering the cause of the High Lord Rezillo. I want more from life than that. I want excitement and to be in the arms of a man who loves me for me, not just because I can type 200wpm and understand the complexities of intergalactic furtherance.

Martin, having read your emails, you seem to be an intelligent and honest man. I loved the way you stood your ground with Grey. You are right! You are a man, a real man and I love that. I need a man who is strong and powerful in his personality. One who could look after me and love me. I am sorry if I am being rather forward Martin but I feel a real connection to you and would love to get to know you better. I promise not to speak a word of this to Grey. Let this be our little secret!!


I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Fond wishes

Helvetica x x

PS would you like me to send you a photo of myself? x

A quick reminder - A message to Martin.

I think Martin needs a little reminder of who will be paying his commission  if this deal goes through. I am sure the NDDC would love to know what he gets up to.


Good morning Martin.

I am not sure I care for the tone of your last email. It will serve you well to remember that if this deal goes through, I will be the one paying your commission.

Whilst any kind of deal is important for our company, I prefer to do business with people who are decent, respectful human beings (or other planetary souls). If you continue to address me in such a disrespectful manner, I shall have no option but to contact the NDDC directly and insist on continuing this deal with a different agent. I am sure that we would both prefer this deal to continue as it has started.

So Martin, when am I likely to hear about a time scale for this deal? I am keen to move this forward asap.

Regards

Grey.

He is a man!!! - A reply from Martin.

Oooohhh!!! He's getting all touchy and dominant!! I think Helvetica might want to email him again ;)



Dear Grey Being,

You must be careful with your word,i am a man not a woman, if your secretary is controlling you go ahead and never ask me to apologize to her again

If you are interest go ahead get back to me or you back out

Apologise, or else! - A message from Grey

I decide to tell Marty to apologise in person or I may call the deal off. Let's see what he has to say about that!


Dear Marty

I have to insist that you send Helvetica a personal email to apologise. It's no good expecting me to be the one who does your dirty work for you. Man up and say sorry! It's not too much to ask if you want this deal to go ahead.

Grey

A half hearted apology - A reply from Martin.

After taking him to task about his lack of manners to poor Helvetica, this is the best he can do? Tut tut! We shall see about that.

Dear Grey Being,

I am happy reading your mail,you say sorry to your secretary on my behalf as i did not put please and thanks, i will correct the mistake.

Anyway, i have send your price list to the NDDC for evaluation. It may also interest you to know that i have no power to tell you the actual quantity needed.

I am an agent as i told you before living on my commission.

So as soon as i hear from them, i will update you to enable us move forward.  Again, it may interest you to know that this contract will last for one year if your company win this contract after bidding.

I will keep you update.

My regards to your secretary and tell her that i will always put please and thanks.

Thanks.

Martin Eze

A price list and a word of caution - A reply from Mr Grey Being (Gravy)

I had to take Marty, as I have now decided to call him to task over his lack of manners towards poor Helvetica. He has to apologise to her. If he doesn't, then I may well call our deal off. As well as the price list, which if you read it, kind of overcharges him for super bulk purchases, I have included a stark warning about the use use of the Hook of Hangarthain via the lyrics of an Adam and the Ants song, Never trust a man with egg on his face!  Adam Ant  


 
Dear Marty

I hope you don't mind me calling you Marty. I like to do business with people I feel comfortable with. You can call me Gravy! It's what my close friends call me. Some of them even call me Bisto as a bit of a joke lol!! Anyway, back to business.

I see you got the mail from my secretary Helvetica. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without her. She attends to my every need, sending emails, writing letters and other needs of a more personal nature if you get my meaning ;) Every high flying businessman needs a little personal relief now and then (nudge nudge wink wink) Do you have a secretary or personal assistant Marty?

Helvetica was a little upset when she read your email as you never said please or thank you to her. She is a sensitive soul and easily offended by bad manners. Maybe you could send her a quick email to apologise for your lack of manners? I am sure she would appreciate it.

Right, down to business. You didn't state what quantities you would wish to purchase the items in so I have come up with some rough estimates for you.

Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator

Single unit cost £75

Bulk purchase of 100 units £650

Super bulk purchase of 1000 units £700000

Spiral of Zumanthaza

Single unit price £47.99

Bulk purchase of 100 units £400

Super bulk purchase 100 units £450000

Were you interested in any of the other products? I can heartily recommend the Hook of Hangarthian. I must stress that this should be used with caution, as the following court report proves. This was a real event that happened just 4 months ago.

A man and a woman walking down the street

With a son and a daughter, it was, oh, so sweet

When Mummy turned to Daddy and she said

"My dear, write out your will, the end is near"
Then she pulled out the gun I saw the sparks

Messed up the suit that he'd bought from Marks Because
She'd heard the voices from outer space

She'd heard the voices from outer space

She'd heard the voices from outer space

Saying, "Never trust a man with egg on his face"
Three months later Mrs. B stands

A smile on her face, blood on her hands

The kiddies got scared and have run to bed
The headlines in the papers said that

She was the victim of an awful plan

Announced through the mouthpiece of a little green man
She'd heard the voices from outer space saying

"Never trust a man with egg on his face"
La La

So, please use with extreme caution.

Well Marty, I am very excited about this potential deal and hope we can come to a satisfactory conclusion soon. Roughly how long does it take for the panel to decide if the deal will go through for me to supply the products?

I look forward to your polite and speedy response on this matter and please don't forget to apologise to poor Helvetica.

Best wishes

Grey (Gravy Baby!!)

Send a price list - A reply from Martin

He's very rude is Martin, he never says please or thank you. I think I shall have to take him to task about this. Anyway, he has looked at the website and wants a price list. Can he not see the prices on the website? I may have to increase them now.


Dear Helvetica Typeface

Send the price list of the below items to enable me submit it to the Principal Buyer for evaluation.

{1} Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalator

{2} Spiral of Zumanthaza

Send the price asap,

Regards,

Martin Eze

Introducing Mr Grey Being's secretary.

Mr Eze is pretty impatient, always wanting to know if I received his email if I don't reply straight away. I don't like pushy. I have been busy setting up the website for They Are Amongst Us so couldn't be bothered to reply. I wanted it finished so I could send him a link. I decided to get my secretary, Miss Helvetica Typeface to send him a message on my behalf.

This is the website 

The Are Amongst Us

And here are a couple of emails sent back and forth. Notice he has changed his name back to Martin this time!

Dear Grey Being

Did you received the mail i sent you yesterday?

Regards,

Martin

Good morning Mr Eze

I am Helvetica Typeface, Mr Grey Being's secretary. He is busy in meetings today but was keen for you to veiw our company website. Please feel free to browse the amazing products we have for sale. I am sure you  will be extremely impressed.

They Are Amongst Us

 

Mr Grey Being will be back in the office later today where I am sure he will be looking forward to your response on this matter.

Yours faithfully

Helvetica Typeface

PP Mr Grey Being

 

A reply from Marting - Yes, he's changed his name!

Mr Eze appears to have changed his name to Marting. How very lovely for him! It's these sloppy mistakes that give them away every time. I have checked out the NDDC website as he suggested and they are a real organisation who look to do some very good work. I wonder if they know Mr Eze and how he uses their good name to scam money? I think not. He goes on about contracts and tenders but hasn't once mentioned any of their projects or what kind of products they are wanting to be supplied. How odd! Oh, and he never answered my questions. I shall have something to say about that believe me!!

Dear Grey Being

You are welcome back to your business, i understand you had a nice time interacting with people that matters in business.As i told you that i am a commission agent under NDDC below is their official website.www.nddc.gov.ng

You are free to go through it  to enable you have a clear understand of where we are going. Again, it may also interest you to know that it will be another great change for you to expand your business  in Nigeria.

If at the end of the day your company win the contract to supply your product to them, believe me your turn over in a year will be great.I have been working for them as agent for 2 years, and i have been having a nice time and good relationship with them. So for me i promise to try my best to make sure your company win the contract after tender.

So do get back to me with your product list and your best price list to enable me submit it to them for evaluation.

You are free to call me  at any time .

Regards,

Marting Eze

+2348097068645

A.S.I.F - A reply to Martin.

After a few busy days, I finally had time to be able to reply to Martin. He hasn't actually asked me what line of busines I am in yet so I thought I had better tell him. My business was started after a visit from high Lord Rezillo, a hat tip to Alistair Donaldson aka William Mysterious, bass player with The Rezillos who died this week. Let's see if Martin has any idea what A.S.I.F means!!





Dear Martin (I hope it's ok to call you Martin?)

I am now back at work after a few days away at a business conference so thank you for your patience. This conference was an excellent opportunity for my company to get it's name more widely known so it was extremely important for me to attend.

I suppose I really should tell you a bit more about my company if you are still interested in doing business with us. I feel it is imperative that as potential business partners, we are upfront and honest right from the word go. At 'They Are Amongst Us', we specialise in products aimed at the A.S.I.F (Arbitrary Salutation Intergalactic Furtherance) market. Whilst we realise that this is quite a niche market, we have a healthy and increasing annual turnover of in excess of £25m per annum. I am sure you will agree that this is a pretty good turnover for a compay that I started from my own garden shed back in 2000! From a lone venture, started by me after a nocturnal visitation by the High Lord Rezillo one sunday evening in December 1999 to a multi million pound company in just 13 years, I don't think I have done too badly! I now employ 2000 staff over 4 sites and am the worlds largest and most successfull A.S.I.F manufacturer.

We are in the process of doing a major reconstruction and overhaul of our company website so will send you a link in a few days when the work is complete.

Martin, would you like to tell me a little more about yourself and your role as government accredited commission agent for the Niger Delta Development Commission please? I like to get to know a person before I consider entering into business with them. Does the Niger Delta Development Commission have a website or some more information that I could look at please? I also like to know people on a more personal level so could you please answer the following questions please:

What is your favourite time of year?
Who is your hero?
What size shoe do you take?
When did you last cry at a movie and which one was it?
Have you ever eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Please feel free to ask questions of myself as I like to  think I am a very honest and open person.

I look forward very much to recieving your reply and hope we can get this potential deal moving.

Yours sincerely

Grey.