In a jam.

So the NDDC awarded me the tender and I replied as requested. I hadn't told Martin I had heard from the NDDC so sent him a message asking if he had heard anything from them. He emailed a few times over the weekend but of course I ignored them as I don't work weekends!! I put him out of his misery this morning!


My reply to the NDDC

Dear Mrs Mary Okoro.

Many thanks to the NDDC for awarding me the contract to supply my goods for your project. I am acknowledging receipt of the documents and wish to know how we proceed to the next stage.

May I take a moment to thank you for choosing my company. We only produce the highest quality goods and can assure you that you won't be disappointed with the outcome.

Yours sincerely

Grey Being.

A message from me to Martin

Good afternoon Martin

I hope you are well this afternoon.

Since submitting my completed Form A2 the the NDDC, I have yet to receive a reply. I was wondering if you had heard anything from them yet? Did you say you were going to meet with them once you had a copy of my completed form? If you check your emails, I did send it to you.

I don't wish to be impatient but time is money Martin and big business waits for no-one.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible on this matter.

Regards

Grey.

And from Martin to Me

Dear Grey,

Just coming back from their office, a lot of things are going on, they have started awarding contract to companies that passed their pass mark. I spoke with their secretary,here in Nigeria nothing goes for nothing i tried my best. So she assured me that your name will be among those that will receive contract letter either today or. tomorrow.

So all we need now is favor and prayer. Do update me if you hear from them.

Regards,

Martin

Another couple from Martin

Dear Grey Being,

Information reaching now says that they have send the contract award documents to you. Please confirm to me please.

Regards,

Martin Eze

Dear Grey Being,

Have you receive the award letter or contract from them?Update me please.

Regards,

Martin

Finally I reply!

Good morning Martin!

And what a wonderful morning it is too! On arriving at the office this morning (rather late as I got stuck in traffic behind a lorry carrying strawberries and pectin that had broken down and caused a massive jam.) I checked my emails to find that the NDDC have awarded me the contract!! I received 4 pieces of documentation relating to the award from the NDDC that confirm they wish me to supply the goods for their project.

So Martin, where do we go from here? I have already hired extra staff to help complete the order as it's by far the largest we have ever won. They will be working overtime to complete the order. This is the first time my company has undertaken such a contract and it is rather different from  our usual ones. We usually just supply individuals and small companies so this is a wonderful opportunity for us to get our products out there in the wider world.

I really must take this opportunity to thank you for acting on our behalf as agent. You have brought an amazing opportunity to our company and I will be forever grateful to you. High Lord Rezillo has marked a special role for you once the conquest is complete.

Fond regards

Grey

The real reason for the current heat wave.

So, I had received the document from The NDDC. It wasn't long before Martin got back in touch wanting to know if I had heard from them.

Dear Grey Being,

How are you today with your workforce? When i submitted your file to the NDDC yesterday, they promised to send your batch number to you. Do confirm to me if you have receive a letter from them with your batch number.

Please respond immediately so that i will visit them today.  The person who is helping me to facilitate this contract have an appointment with me today, but i cannot go they without hearing from you.

Update me.

Regards,

Martin

Then shortly after, I get this one. I bet someone at Barnsley College had a good giggle!

Dear Grey Being,

I have called your office and the lady told me that she knows nobody by the name Grey Being. What is the problem?

Regards,

Martin

I ignore the what he says about the phone call and give him my explanation for the heat wave we are now in the midst of.

Good morning Martin

I was just about to email you when your message came through. Spooky eh? lol!

All is good here in Roswell today. We are currently in the middle of a searing heat wave with record high temperatures and the workers aren’t happy. The air conditioning unit in the factory base has broken down and conditions are unbearable. To try and appease the workers, I have arranged for a local ice cream van to come and visit them at lunchtime and dish out vast amounts of Nobbly Bobbly's, Fabs, Feasts and good old 99's. This should help the situation somewhat and I have said they can all leave early at 2pm. It's so important to keep the workforce happy don't you agree Martin? After all, who would make the Dual Lensed Devo ReRectalators if not them?

I know a lot of people will say that this change in weather is all down to climate change and the greenhouse effect as they call it, but I am not so sure. Between me and you Martin, I think it has an altogether different reason. The temperatures on Voniaco 5 are much higher than here and I do think High Lord Rezillo is making the necessary changes to ensure things are comfortable after the conquest. It's alright for him but he is not the one sweating like a diabetic in a sweet factory.

Anyway, back to business. I received some documentation this morning sent by a Mary Okoro from The NDDC.  I have emailed back to conform receipt and await her response. She did say it would take around a week for the final decision to be made. Of course, I will let you know as soon as I hear from them. Do you need me to send you the batch number you mentioned?

Regards

Grey.

 

So Martin, you want me to carry you along? In this heat? I don't think so!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your mail, when i called your office a lady told me that nobody bear such name, so i became confused, but that is by the way. I am very happy that you have confirm receipt of their mail.  As soon as you hear from them, do carry me along.

God bless you.

Regards,

Martin

A bit of carrot dangling.

Oh Martin! Your grasp of the English language really isn't that good is it? What a shoddy email.

Dear Grey Being,

I was at the office of NDDC this morning, i meet their secretary she asked me to tell you send the full name of your company and address and your full telephone number.

Please i was told that they will only contact you after receiving these  details. Send them to me today so that i will send it to immediately.

Martin

Just so he doesn't start to get rashy about talking on the phone again, I dangle the commission carrot.

Good morning Martin.

I hope this message finds you and your family well.

I am glad you have heard from the NDDC. The full company name and address was on the header of the invoice I sent you but just for your own records here it is again;

They Are Amongst Us

27 - 37 New Galactic Crescent

Roswell

Barnsley

B1R S 0LE

Telephone:  01226 216216  / 01226 216217

I hate to be pushy, but do you have a rough time scale as to when the deal may be finalised? I am keen to close the deal ASAP as I am under considerable pressure from High Lord Rezillo.

Also Martin, I need details of where to send your commission payment to. You have worked so hard on my behalf that I want to ensure that you get your payment as soon as possible. I take it you have worked out the final amount you are due? Do you wish this to be sent via bank transfer? If so, I will need your details.

Once again, many thanks for all your hard work and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Best wishes

Grey

 

Invoices, sparrows and crabsticks.

So, at last he has submitted my invoice to NDDC. Wooopeee dooo!!!And he still thinks I will call him. Fool!

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks i have submitted your Proforma Invoice to them this morning our time. I will be expecting your call as you promised.

Regards,

Martin

Oh Martin, do you really think I am that silly? Do you really think I would waste my money calling you? Time for some more stalling tactics.

Good afternoon Martin

Many thanks for submitting my invoice to NDDC. I really do wish to thank you so very much for all your hard work in helping me gain this contract. Martin, you have obviously worked tirelessly to ensure that everything goes smoothly and I am eternally grateful. Your professionalism and attention to detail shine through at every stage. By the end of this deal, you will certainly have earned your commission and it will be a delight, nay a privilege for me to pay it to you. I shall also make sure that High Lord Rezillo gives you his eternal thanks in person when the time comes for the conquest.

Martin, I have tried to call you several times already today but to no avail. I tried at 9am (our time) but it just went to an answering service. I did not leave a message as I realised that due to our obvious time differences, you were probably asleep and I didn't want to wake you from your blissful, guilt free slumber. I tried again at midday but it was answered by a lady. I asked to speak to you in case it was your secretary but she said she had never heard of you. Guessing I had dialled a wrong number, I tried again. On my third attempt, a man answered and asked if I was Blue Sparrow. I asked him to repeat himself and he then asked if I had done the job as requested. I wasn't quite sure what he meant so I said no. He then started shouting at me, saying if I did not fulfil the contract then I would be the one wearing the concrete boots and swimming with the fishes. This worried me Martin as I cannot swim and am highly allergic to fish. Even the mere sniff of a crabstick is enough to bring me out in hives and leave me gasping for breath. In a panic, I hung up.

I have no idea what was going on there. I double checked the number you had given me, +234-8097068645 and it was the correct one. Do you have any idea what that was all about? Had you left your phone unattended at all Martin? You really should be careful as someone could end up running up a huge bill.

Our technical department checked our phone lines yesterday but could find no problem. We don't seem to be having much luck do we Martin?

Anyway, I am leaving the office early today. It's old Mrs Genders’ retirement party. She's been with us since the start and we want to give her a good send off. High Lord Rezillo is due to 'take' her straight after the strippers have finished. She can't get enough of those roly poly builder boys the old fox!!

Hopefully we will get to speak tomorrow Martin. I hope you get to the bottom of what is going off with your phone. That really is most disconcerting.

Once again, many thanks for all your hard work and fingers crossed the NDDC look upon my invoice favourably.

Fond regards

Grey

Wrong numbers and probing.

Martin says he will submit my invoice to the NDDC now.  I doubt NDDC actually know anything about this deal.

Dear Grey Being,

Thanks for your understanding and well come. Yes i will submit it to them asap. and will update you soon.

Regards,

(He couldn't even be bothered to put his name!)

So, Martin has tried to call me but the numbers aren't working. Poor Martin. He wants me to call him on his cell phone. Yeah right!!!! Feel free to call him on my behalf but I am not running up a massive international phone bill!

Dear Grey Being,

I have tried to call you but the number you send to me is not going.

You can reach me on my cell phone:

+234-8097068645

Martin

So I reply. and apologise. Of course I won't be calling him. There will be some problem or other.

Dear Martin

I cannot understand why the phone numbers are not working. We have been receiving calls today with no problems. Are you sure you have dialled correctly? I shall get a member of our technical department to investigate.

I shall call you on your cell phone tomorrow. I am extremely keen for this deal to go through. It is imperative to the success of the conquest. High Lord Rezillo will not be pleased if I fail. Believe me, I cannot bear another probing.

Until tomorrow

Regards

Grey

 

Preparing for the invasion and some odd phonecalls to Barnsley College (my apologies!!)

Martin is keen! This message came first thing this morning. I hope he finally submits my invoice to the NDDC.

Dear Grey Being,

How are was your trip, hope you had a nice time. Do get back to me if you are back to your office as you said that you will be back today 15th to enable me submit your proforma invoice to them.{NDDC}

Again, it is very important you send your working telephone number for easy communication.

Regards,

Martin


I emailed him back and included telephone numbers. Many apologies to Barnsley College if they receive a strange call from an African scammer!!

Hey Martin!

I am indeed back in the office after an amazing week with High Lord Rezillo. I cannot say too much but as his chief envoy here, let's just say that things are going to change, and soon! I am extremely excited for the forthcoming conquest and am helping further his plans for a smooth invasion. It's all terribly exciting!

Anyway, I do apologise for omitting my telephone number. How very remiss of me. I can be contacted on either of the following numbers:

01226 216216

01226 216217

I do hope there will now be no delay in submitting the invoice to the NDDC. With High Lord Rezillo's plans coming to fruition sooner than expected, I would wish the deal to be completed ASAP. The quicker it is completed, the better for all of us I am sure you will agree. The more products we have around the world, the better.  All praise the High Lord Rezillo. We will comply.

I look forward to your speedy response on this matter.

Regards

Grey Being